Gift From Heaven

I can only speak from the mother's point of view, but one of the most painful things that can happen the death of a child.  Whether the child is 30 years or 30 weeks gestation, the loss is felt with all your heart and soul.  For me, a miscarriage at the end of the first trimester felt like my body had rejected my own child.  I know, maybe that sounds silly considering that at the time, they were all one, but that is how I felt.  Even in a brief time, I had built up hopes and dreams for this child.  The baby had a name.  A life grew inside of me.  It was all such a miracle.  I even started a journal at the suggestion of a friend of mine who gave one to me for a Christmas present.

My baby, 9 wk. ultrasound, Mattea Soleil.  Mattea was with God by January 3, 1995.

One of the difficult parts of doing family history is hunting for all the lost babies and children.  Especially the babies, because if they died in early infancy, often they were never mentioned.  Maybe there would be a tiny tombstone that would be in the family plot.  Some are adoringly decorated with lambs, angels and cherubs, flowers, and the dates of a very short life.  Back a hundred or so years ago contagious diseases would whipe out households, and even communities (like small pox epidemics, Scarlet Fever, Polio).  In a graveyard you would see whole families that died off one by one in fairly close succession.  It was something that unfortunately was very common.  Some families would name their next child with the same name of the child that died young, which makes for some confusing family research work.  I don't think I could have ever done something like that, but many did.

The Norrie Twins

One of my cousin's (from the Waltz side, my great x3 grandfather's brothers' 3x grandchild, or something like that) wife had a miscarriage on early Monday morning.  She was 13 weeks along.  My cousin and his wife are very distraught, which is to me very understandable.  On his Facebook Page I typed something like "I sooo know what you're going through" which sounds trivial, but for the simple fact that I do know what it feels like to lose a baby at that point in gestation.  I truly hope they understand that I did not write that on a whim.  My cousin stated he'd never hurt so much before.  I know, from the mother's point of view, what that pain is like, and it is deeply felt.

About 12 weeks gestation

They will have a funeral on Thursday for the baby.  I am a little jealous of that as I did not have a body

to view or hold or bury.  My body did not "abort" the baby.  I had to have it removed.  It was quite traumatizing, though at the time I tried to keep a tough front.  I suspect that having a funeral will provide the family with some sort of an end that I may never feel.  They will have a stone to memorialize their dear baby boy.  (Yeah, I'm jealous).  It will not soothe the loss but help them to grieve.  A stone, maybe could symbolize "Yes, I was a real baby you lost."  They will have a place to lay flowers or teddy bears.

Babies are a gift from God

Children choose us before they are born.  They are excited to become our children and provide us with love and lessons and grace.  Even the child that is never born from a womb has a purpose and has completed his journey.  Something became of that journey.  I will never know what Mattea's purpose is til death, but she left an indelible mark on my heart and in my life.  One day I hope that I will be able to meet my baby lost so many years ago.  I hope I am good enough for that.

My cousin and his wife have been blessed with 3 children already.  They do not know it now perhaps, but this fourth baby was a blessing as well.  I have to say that I envy them there too, to have 3 children.  I have none.  I wanted a few, but it just never happened.  I was supposed to be a mother.  It is just in me.  I grew up never thinking that I wouldn't become a mother.  I don't know if I will ever feel like my life was complete because I will have never been a mother to a live child.  Never have that chance to try my hand in parenthood.  Maybe it is for the best.

Little me, ready to be a mommy.  What a big job!

I know that my cousin and his wife probably don't feel super blessed right now.  It is going to take some time for the pain of this loss to lessen.  I pray that his family will find peace with each other during this time for them to mourn.

And they will never forget their son.  He will always be their son, their sweet little angel that never had a chance to join his siblings here on Earth, but they will meet one day.  May they find peace in that.

In memory of Josiah Michael, with God by June 10, 2013